A lot of boners have gone on and on about the nature of mortal or deadly sin, but really the definition just boils down to this: Deadly sins are the ones that get you sent straight to Hell. You’re no doubt aware of the Seven Deadly Sins – (1) [deleted for being boring], (2) [deleted for being boring], (3) [deleted for being boring], (4) [deleted for being boring], (5) [deleted for being boring], (6) [deleted for being boring], and (7) [deleted for being really boring]. And, if you read my last post, you know that the Vatican tried to come up with seven new deadly sins (and that they only managed to produce a stupid list of crap that either isn’t a sin or is so vaguely defined that you’re all supremely fucked). Because the Vatican’s new deadly sins blow goats (not a deadly sin, btw), and because, dear readers, I know that you all, in reading this blog, have probably have grown to love me and want to come down to Hell and live with me immediately and stuff, I offer you the following list of new, (actually) deadly sins:
1. Driving Like Grandma – I’ve composed a poem to help me explain this one:
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
you’re driving too slow,
AND YOU SHOULD GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY RIGHT NOW MOTHERFUCKER! DIE! DIE! DIE!!
2. Being a Jonas Brother – I can’t believe how gay these guys are. And I don’t mean that in the sense that these guys like to get it on with each other after their shows (though I’m not willing to rule that out). What I’m talking about is their wankerish willingness to do whatever it takes to make their legions of teeniebopper fans squeal, whether it’s an dorkariffic fist pump, a fantastically-gay hair flip, or a wink into the camera that makes me want light an entire city on fire (yes, I watched the Grammys this year). It almost seems reasonable though, doesn’t it? After all, they’re just a bunch of young guys. Can we really expect that, faced with the prospect of making millions of dollars, and zillions of screaming fans of the opposite sex who want to tear their clothes off, they’ll really say “No, I will not act like a complete boner?” Well, no, we probably can’t expect that. But then can they really expect to act like they do and not end up in Hell? Nope, sorry. So there you go. Being a Jonas Brother is a deadly sin.
3. Liking Mayonaise – Apparently there is an all-mayonnaise restaurant in Japan. That’s just fucked up and disgusting. They’re all going to Hell, just as soon as I can figure out how to transport the whole fucked up, mayonnaise-drenched archipelago down there. The sick bastards.
4. Not Being a Ninja – Yeah, I know I’m being a little hypocritical here, given what I had to say about the overbreadth of some of the stupid new deadly sins announced by the Vatican, but you gotta admit, ninjas are awesome.
How about this compromise:
Not being a ninja is only a sin if you’re a devout Catholic.I just want folks to have to go into the confessional and say, “Forgive me father for I have sinned: I am not a ninja.”
There are more, but I have to go conduct some experiments on some grandmas.