This morning, as I attempted to pilot my 500-hp, V-10, all-wheel-drive Italian “superlegerra” sports car with the all-alcantara interior (being Satan comes, as you might expect, with certain perks) down the interstate, I noticed that one of my fellow drivers seemed to be confused as to which pedal controlled the brakes and which controlled the throttle in her car. She kept slowing, apparently at random. Was she seeing things? Was she high? Her erratic driving seemed extremely dangerous. Fortunately for the other drivers, I was there to intervene. I disabled her brakes altogether to reduce the danger to other drivers and, of course, to prevent further abuse of her braking system.

[UPDATE FOR ALL YOU PANSIES: I have no idea what happened to her! How can I possibly pay attention to every old grandma whose brakes have gone out? She wasn't going that fast anyway...]

Just a few minutes later, I noticed another driver who, immediately after getting onto the freeway, crossed over three lanes of traffic, before settling into the passing lane, even though he was driving below the speed limit. In doing so, he cut off several other drivers, and once he got there, he didn’t pass anybody! In fact, he was the one getting passed. WTF?!? Once again, however, I was there to save the day. I used my Satanic mind beams to explode one of his rear tires, and his car careened into the dividing wall and caught on fire. It was pretty awesome, and the fucker is now burning in Hell, where he belongs.

At that point, I thought my good deeds for the day were done, but was I wrong! There was another fucker. This guy in was in a pickup truck. Normally, I like jerks. They do a lot of my work for me. But I found this particular eunuch (ANOTHER WORD FOR “HE GOTS NO PENIS”) to be irritating. He hadn’t actually done anything yet, but I’m almost certain he would have. So I shot lasers out of my eyes to boil his brains for a bit. (What did you expect? I’m the Lord of the fucking Underworld! OF COURSE I CAN SHOOT LASERS FROM MY EYES!!). I’ve also had heat-seeking missiles installed in my car, so I fired a couple of those to finish the job. It was was bitchin’.

Three good deeds, and I was beat. And I wondered, What in the fuck is going on around here? But then I figured it out–today must be National Drive Like a Fucking Idiot Day! That would explain it. So I’d like to invite you all to get out there today and drive, drive, drive! Get all that dumbfuckery out of your systems TODAY. NDLAFID ends at 12:00 Pacific Time. After that, it’s Satanic laser beam eyes for anybody caught driving like a fucking idiot.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm and is filed under Public Service Announcement. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.