Mostly I interact with old people by running them down on the highway. And as I do so, I wonder: What the fuck? What possesses an old person to do old person things? Is it dementia? Is it just that old people suck? What happens to a man that transforms him from a reasonably intelligent, ape-descended life form into a crabby pain in the ass that needs to be euthanized? And don’t get me started on grandmas. OH. MY. GOD. I’d say let’s kill them all, except that I’m fairly sure Hell would immediately be full to the brim of diaper-wearing, slow-driving, crabby old people.
I watched a wonderful movie recently called Logan’s Run, which is about a society in which all oldness is eradicated because everyone over a certain age is killed or something. Wonderful premise, but shitty execution, because in the end, the “hero” refuses to submit. He gets old and refuses to die. Ugh. So I’m not even going to review that movie. I’d have to give it negative stars, and, frankly, I don’t know how to do that using the Wordpress blogging interface.
Logan's Run (1976)
Aren’t any of you young people worried about all the fucking old people? Think about this: Because these old fuckers have nothing better to do than drive slow, vote, and show up for jury duty, they’ve become a disproportionately strong and vocal (and slow) minority when it comes to how the fucking country is run. And by that I mean that they’ve got a death grip on the Entitlement System, i.e., they’re dying, and they’re taking all of your tax dollars with them. All those Social Security taxes you’re paying? Not so much! Those should really just be called “Payments to Fucking Old, Slow, and Demented People Who Have One Foot in the Damned Grave Already.” So let’s just go ahead and get rid of all the old people!
Awesome Proposal for Dealing with the Elderly: I propose that we re-task NASA. After all, they’ve been doing some astoundingly dull stuff for the last however many years… Sending random-ass probes to Mars? Actual science? Been there, done that. BOORRRING. Instead, let’s build a shitload of Saturn V rockets, and then see how many old people we can fit in them. (I bet it’s a bunch!) Then we can point them all at the Sun, and fire away! Imagine that! 50 Million Old People, shot right into the heart of the sun. It would be awesome. And then we could all drive fast again.
And in the future, after all the old people are gone, you’ll pull up behind someone who is going too slow (but not that slow, because all the old people have been loaded onto rockets and shot off at the sun), you’d say, “Move it, grandma!” And then you’ll remember, “Hey! All the grandmas are gone! We sent them to live on the Sun! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
In the meantime, being old is a mortal sin.
