I’ve been getting lots of questions and requests for advice, so I’ve decided to add a new feature to the blog. It’s called “Dear Satan”!
Dear Satan:
I’m having some trouble with my son. I think he might be smoking the dope. What should I do?
–Worried Mother
Well, Worried Mother, I’m not sure that I’ve always been on the right side of the War On Drugs, so I think I’m going to have to point you to the Bible for this one. In particular, I’d like to direct your attention to the Book of Job. You may recall that Job was faultless; he “sinned not,” “was perfect and upright,” and “feared god.” Job 1:1-2. As a reward for his Holy awesomeness, God killed Job’s children and replaced them with a better set. See Job 1:19, 42:13-15. I think it’s a safe bet that none of the replacement 16kids smoked the dope.
You should be like Job: be a saint; live your life faultlessly, be devoted to God in everything you do, pray all the time, and be utterly and completely without sin. God will reward you by killing your son and giving you a new, better son! Good luck!
PS – Remember to be careful, because God will also send the Fire of Heaven to consume all of your camels, asses and sheep. See Job 1:16. He also may cover you from head from head to toe in boils. See id. at 2:7.
