Dear Satan:
My boyfriend has asked me to marry him, but I’m just not sure if he really loves me. What should I do?
–Doubtful Girlfriend
Well Girlfriend,
If you’ve read your Bible, you know that there is a simple and effective test to help you to determine whether your boyfriend really loves you. As you no doubt recall, King Samuel demanded that David bring him the foreskins of 100 Philistines as a dowry in order to marry the King’s daughter Michal. But David truly loved Michal, and so he went out and killed 200 Philistines, and returned to his one true love with twice as many … things … as was requested by the good King. Here is the actual verse:
David rose up and went, he and his men, and struck down two hundred men among the Philistines Then David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. So Saul gave him Michal his daughter for a wife.
1 Samuel 18:27
There are so many questions that come to mind that I don’t know where to begin (other than by vomiting and curling up in the fetal position). Why 200? What are the practical aspects of collecting and transporting 200 Philistine wangs? What the hell did King Samuel want with all these dongs and what did he do with them? Did he make a coat for his wife? Re-upholster his couch? Or how about just: WTF kind of weird-ass story is this to include in the Bible anyway?!?
Anyway, back to your question: (1) You are stupid. If you’re so unsure about your boyfriend that you need to write to an advice column, give up now and get thee to a nunnery immediately. (2) If you insist on believing that you are a normal human being capable of having a functional romantic relationship, you should probably hold your boyfriend (and any subsequent boyfriends) up to the standard set by David. Ask yourself: Would your boyfriend slaughter 200 Philistines in order to bring your dad their foreskins? If not, ditch the unloving son of a bitch.
