Dear Satan
My dad caught me smoking the dope the other day. I’ve never seen him so angry. I’m afraid he’ll never trust me again.
Sincerely,
Worried Son
Have you tried swearing an oath while touching his man parts? That’s how folks in the Bible knew they could trust someone. That stuff you see where people swear oaths by placing their hands on the Bible — that’s just modern nonsense. If you want to make your dad believe you, you need to go grab him by the scrotum.
It’s true, when Abraham wanted one of his servants to promise not to make his son marry a Canaanite, he said, “Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh: and I will make thee swear by the Lord.” (Genesis 24:2) Of course, King James and all those medieval, uppity prudes weren’t willing to translate the Aramaic accurately. The original language — “yo soy el chulo electrico” — literally means “Grab my wang and tell me the truth, damnit!” So instead they wrote “place your hand on my thigh.” But don’t take my word for it: This dude can set you straight on this and many other interesting euphemisms in the Bible.
Of course, I can’t help but wonder how and when you guys went from swearing oaths on each others’ penises to swearing oaths on Bibles. Can you imagine?
“You know what? We need to substitute something for the dong when we swear oaths.”
“Yeah, how about we use this?”
“What’s that?”
“Oh, it’s a book. Called the Bible.”
“Yes, that’s a good idea. The Bible seems to be a great substitute for a penis.”
The President Swears an Oath on Chief Justice Roberts' Tallywhacker
Or maybe this “please place your left hand on this Bible and raise your right hand” thing was just another euphemism. It’d be a good thing to test out, I think, next time you’re in court. When the judge asks you if you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, grab yourself a handful of the bailiff’s bits and pieces and swear to God that you will.
And the next time you see your dad, give him a good squeeze in the junk too. He’ll start trusting you, for sure.
