Resistance Is Futile

Yes, I am the embodiment of evil and sin and all that, but Dick Cheney… he’s something else entirely. Which is why I can’t afford to have him in Hell. It’s called JOB SECURITY, folks. Any of you who’ve read Machiavelli’s The Prince will know what I’m talking about here–I’d be a moron to let a potential claimant to my throne show up and try to take over. It’s as simple as that. So you can all stop worrying and fretting every time he has one of those heart attacks. He’s not going to croak. I won’t let it happen. No fucking way. In fact, I’ll let you in on a secret: Dick and I have come to an arrangement. I’m not going to tell you exactly what the deal is (he’s immortal!) or how it was accomplished (we used Borg implants to make him into a cyborg), but suffice it to say, I no longer have to worry about him showing up in Hell one of these days, trying to take over as the new Satan. Fuck. Yeah.

The down side of this arrangement is that you all are stuck with him. And for that, I am truly sorry.