Archive for the ‘Donkey Cruelty’ Category

WWSD? Novel Available!

Wednesday, September 28th, 2011

What Would Satan Do? is now available:

Note: Barnes & Noble isn’t selling the paperback yet. If you want that, use one of the other links. Also, if you want a signed copy, buy “Direct from WWSD?” and add a note at check out. The paperback is $9.50 at Amazon, $10.00 direct. The E-book is $.99.

Another Note: WWSD? is available to Kindle owners in the Amazon lending library. From what I understand, that means you can borrow it for free if you have a Kindle.

Last Note, I Promise: Lots of folks are stealing the book by torrenting it, which means if you really want a free copy, you can probably find it. Mu Torrent is a pretty good torrent client, if you’re into that sort of thing. This bums me out slightly, since I spent a couple of years working on this book, but it’s just how things go, I guess. If you go that route, I’d just ask that, if you like the book, you tell your friends about it.

WWSD by Anthony Miller

If you want to read a sample first, you can download a PDF of the first 50 pages here.

Synopsis of What Would Satan Do?

Disgusted with God’s plan for Judgment Day, Satan has quit his job and abandoned Hell in favor of a quiet retirement in Washington, D.C. But life on Earth is tricky for an ex-angel with a short fuse and no impulse control. When a parking attendant mysteriously bursts into flames and a weight-challenged woman somehow ends up in low-Earth orbit, Satan finds that he has attracted the attention of several meddlesome federal agencies. Even worse, there are signs that the governor of Texas has somehow gone ahead and started up the end of the world without him.

The Prince of Darkness heads for the Lone Star State, where he tangles with a megalomaniacal televangelist, joins the Militant Arm of the American Geriatrics Association, and wields the Flaming Shotgun of Divine Justice at a guy whose hobbies include invading churches to denounce ritualized cannibalism. Through it all, one thing is clear: Someone has to put a stop to Judgment Day. Now, having spent millennia trying to wreck the place, the Devil may be the world’s only hope.

Posted in Dios Mio, Donkey Cruelty, Sex Hat | 2 Comments »

Smoking Jackets and Pancake Pants

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

It used to be that folks wore clothing appropriate to the occasion. People weren’t limited to mundane apparel like shirts and pants. No, they knew that a leisure activity could not be undertaken properly without garments specifically and explicitly labeled for use in that activity. Look up the etymology of “tennis shoe” and you’ll get a bunch of rubbish that has nothing to do with the eponymous sport (fuck you, I know tennis isn’t a person), but everyone knows that the Internet was written by boobs who don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, and besides, it’s perfectly obvious that tennis shoes were called tennis shoes because they were shoes designated for the particular task of covering and protecting one’s feet during a tennis match.

The pinnacle of this sort of thinking – i.e., the notion that it is appropriate (in the very strong sense) to own and wear clothes only for certain leisure activities — is the smoking jacket (think Hugh Hefner).

Exhibit A: A Smoking Jacket, with Bunnies

I HEREBY PROPOSE a return to the days of smoking jackets, tennis shoes, and other task-appropriate garments. I know, that’s not a long list, so I’ve come up with some new ones:

1. Pancake Pants:

Pancake Pants

“I’m sorry, my dear, but I cannot possibly go to IHOP without my pancake pants.”

2. Twitter Leotard:

Twitter Leotard

This one just seems kind of self-explanatory.

3. Sex Hat

Sex Hat

“All civilized people know that one does not engage in coitus without proper headgear.”

Posted in Donkey Cruelty | 3 Comments »

I’m Writing a Book, So How About That?!?

Sunday, October 17th, 2010

Retirement kind of sucks. So I’ve decided that I need a hobby. And that hobby is going to be: WRITING.

Woot.

That’s right, I’ve decided to become a world-dominating, mega-author. And I’m going to write a super-kick-ass-number-one novel, bitches.

But I’ve got a problem: I need an awesome first line. They’re crucial. Without a truly awesome first line, you might as well not have a story. (I know I’m not going to bother writing a whole story until I’m certain that the first line is totally, mind-bogglingly kick ass.) But how do you come up with a great first line without knowing the story? Ugh.

I know, right?! It’s just like Bill and Ted with their Triumphant Video/Eddie Van Halen CATCH-22 situation!

Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted "Theodore" Logan

So you’re maybe thinking, “Uh, Satan? That doesn’t have anything to do with what you’re talking about.” And in response, I’m maybe thinking, “Fuck you.” And I still need an awesome first line.

But I’ve come up with a plan: I’ll come up with some first-line candidates that I think demonstrate my staggering authorial genius, and you all can vote on them.

So here it is — a poll (and not just any poll, mind you, but a SUPRE POLL, spelled all cool and European).

SUPRE POLL

  • Uno: “We really shouldn’t have brought the tiger. We knew better. Man-eating jungle cats are never a good idea, and they’ve got no business being at weddings.“
  • Dos: “Lester had always known that his extra leg would come in handy. But not like this.“
  • Y Pues, Tres: “In the beginning, there was only Vienna Sausage. No light, no dark — only little, wet sausages.“

PS – I’m not savvy enough to know how to make an actual poll that actually fucking works or anything for actual fuck’s sake (and probably some asstastic foreign spammers would show up and somehow advertise penis pills on it anyway), so you’re just going to have to send in your votes via mind beams.

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Posted in Donkey Cruelty, Public Service Announcement | No Comments »