So, I get a lot of questions. Stupid questions. People ask all sorts of things, from the best way to incinerate neighbors to which farm animals are the most romantic. And I don’t have time to answer all that shit. That’s why I created the Satanic 8-Ball. It’s just a computer program, and it’s not that smart, but it does a decent enough job.
The reason I’m bringing it up again is that people have actually been using it. And by “using it,” I mean, “asking it extraordinarily stupid questions.” (It records every question anyone ever asks.) I went through and picked some of my favorites, and here they are, for your reading pleasure (I’m not making these up. These are real questions that visitors to the site have asked.):
10. “Will I get laid tonight?”
This isn’t a very interesting question, but it gets asked incredibly often, so I think it’s appropriate to include it on the list. And the answer? Well, if you’re going onto a website to ask Satan whether you’re going to get some, you’re an idiot, and you’re never going to get any ever. Sorry. PS – You make my ass twitch.
9. “What do cats taste like?”
Good question. Depends on the cat, but, for the most part, pretty yummy.
8. “Am I gay?”
Well, I can’t speak to your sexual orientation, but yes.
7. “Do you want my soul?”
Not really, but thanks.
[NOTE: There were several other, much more explicit questions from this particular person. For the record, I have a strict, no-sodomy policy when it comes to readers.]
6. “How do i do spells of words, like Hokkus Pokkus Pi ??”
Hmmm… tricky. Maybe you should focus first on mastering the art of not being a giant fucking idiot. Dunno. Just a thought.
5. “Dear Satan, If I pray to you, would you answer?”
No. Use the Satanic 8-Ball instead.
4. “Dear Satan, I want to marry you, what should I do?”
Fuck off, that’s what. Unless you’re Scarlett Johannson, I’m not interested.
Yum Yum
3. “Should i blow dry my hair now?”
WTF? No. You’re an idiot, and you shouldn’t be handling anything electrical.
2. “Will Allah give it to me?”
Yes, my son, Allah will give it to you. Right up the poop chute. Now, I’m going to go check on my Jihad Insurance.
1. “I am janitor.”
Right on, brother. Right on.
