What Would Satan Do? » Public Service Announcement

8-Ball Update – Top 10 Stupid Questions Asked by Readers

Administrator — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 17:02:42 +0000

So, I get a lot of questions. Stupid questions. People ask all sorts of things, from the best way to incinerate neighbors to which farm animals are the most romantic. And I don’t have time to answer all that shit. That’s why I created the Satanic 8-Ball. It’s just a computer program, and it’s not that smart, but it does a decent enough job.

The reason I’m bringing it up again is that people have actually been using it. And by “using it,” I mean, “asking it extraordinarily stupid questions.” (It records every question anyone ever asks.) I went through and picked some of my favorites, and here they are, for your reading pleasure (I’m not making these up. These are real questions that visitors to the site have asked.):

10. “Will I get laid tonight?”
This isn’t a very interesting question, but it gets asked incredibly often, so I think it’s appropriate to include it on the list. And the answer? Well, if you’re going onto a website to ask Satan whether you’re going to get some, you’re an idiot, and you’re never going to get any ever. Sorry. PS – You make my ass twitch.

9. “What do cats taste like?”
Good question. Depends on the cat, but, for the most part, pretty yummy.

8. “Am I gay?”
Well, I can’t speak to your sexual orientation, but yes.

7. “Do you want my soul?”
Not really, but thanks.

[NOTE: There were several other, much more explicit questions from this particular person. For the record, I have a strict, no-sodomy policy when it comes to readers.]

6. “How do i do spells of words, like Hokkus Pokkus Pi ??”
Hmmm… tricky. Maybe you should focus first on mastering the art of not being a giant fucking idiot. Dunno. Just a thought.

5. “Dear Satan, If I pray to you, would you answer?”
No. Use the Satanic 8-Ball instead.

4. “Dear Satan, I want to marry you, what should I do?”
Fuck off, that’s what. Unless you’re Scarlett Johannson, I’m not interested.

Yum Yum

3. “Should i blow dry my hair now?”
WTF? No. You’re an idiot, and you shouldn’t be handling anything electrical.

2. “Will Allah give it to me?”
Yes, my son, Allah will give it to you. Right up the poop chute. Now, I’m going to go check on my Jihad Insurance.

1. “I am janitor.”
Right on, brother. Right on.

I’m Writing a Book, So How About That?!?

Administrator — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 05:25:44 +0000

Retirement kind of sucks. So I’ve decided that I need a hobby. And that hobby is going to be: WRITING.

Woot.

That’s right, I’ve decided to become a world-dominating, mega-author. And I’m going to write a super-kick-ass-number-one novel, bitches.

But I’ve got a problem: I need an awesome first line. They’re crucial. Without a truly awesome first line, you might as well not have a story. (I know I’m not going to bother writing a whole story until I’m certain that the first line is totally, mind-bogglingly kick ass.) But how do you come up with a great first line without knowing the story? Ugh.

I know, right?! It’s just like Bill and Ted with their Triumphant Video/Eddie Van Halen CATCH-22 situation!

So you’re maybe thinking, “Uh, Satan? That doesn’t have anything to do with what you’re talking about.” And in response, I’m maybe thinking, “Fuck you.” And I still need an awesome first line.

But I’ve come up with a plan: I’ll come up with some first-line candidates that I think demonstrate my staggering authorial genius, and you all can vote on them.

So here it is — a poll (and not just any poll, mind you, but a SUPRE POLL, spelled all cool and European).

SUPRE POLL

Uno: “We really shouldn’t have brought the tiger. We knew better. Man-eating jungle cats are never a good idea, and they’ve got no business being at weddings.“
Dos: “Lester had always known that his extra leg would come in handy. But not like this.“
Y Pues, Tres: “In the beginning, there was only Vienna Sausage. No light, no dark — only little, wet sausages.“

PS – I’m not savvy enough to know how to make an actual poll that actually fucking works or anything for actual fuck’s sake (and probably some asstastic foreign spammers would show up and somehow advertise penis pills on it anyway), so you’re just going to have to send in your votes via mind beams.

Satanic Magic 8-Ball/Oracle of Satan

Administrator — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 06:30:15 +0000

So I added this thing that lets you ask whatever question you want and get an immediate answer from me:

Let the Bunnies Burn

Administrator — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:57:14 +0000

Sweden has come up with a plan to tackle the world’s various and sundry ecological crises (and to get rid of all the extra bunnies they apparently have there). They’ve started burning bunnies in their power plants to keep the country warm. What is the carbon footprint of a burning bunny? And is it somehow lucky? I’ve found a picture of a bunny to make you all feel better about this (I may have added a thing or two to the picture):

The Most Foul, Cruel, and Bad-Tempered Rodent You Ever Set Eyes On

In other news, a batshit lady rented limousine and went around trying to give away money she didn’t win in the lottery. Apparently, the “victims” of this hoax went on a mad rampage, ripping shit up at a nearby clothing store.

Now that I’m retired, I read about stuff like this and I have to wonder: What the hell was I doing all those years? I’m not really sure that you folks ever needed any help from me.

I am Frankenstein’s Spleen

Administrator — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 03:20:50 +0000

“The only imaginary being, resembling in any degree Prometheus, is Satan; and Prometheus is, in my judgment, a more poetical character than Satan, because, in addition to courage, and majesty, and firm and patient opposition to omnipotent force, he is susceptible of being described as exempt from the taints of ambition, envy, revenge, and a desire for personal aggrandizement … Prometheus is, as it were, the type of the highest perfection of moral and intellectual nature impelled by the purest and the truest motives to the best and noblest ends.”—Percy Shelley

“Prometheus was a friggin’ pansy. I took his truest motives and shoved them up his noblest end.”—Satan

“PS — Fuck you. I’m not imaginary.”—Satan

“I mean, really, the guy’s name is Percy? Seriously.”—Satan

New Deadly Sin for You All, Assholes

Administrator — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 20:32:36 +0000

Fuckers

Really? I mean, seriously: WTF? I give you awesome movie reviews, answer your dumb requests for advice, and explain pressing theological issues… And all you fuckers can repay me with is a billboard saying that I suck? You’re all going to Hell.

For the record, putting up defamatory advertisements about me is a deadly sin. Fuckers.

I’d Like More Credit

Administrator — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 06:45:41 +0000

Bringing about the fall of man was pretty awesome, especially considering that I had to do it while wearing a snake suit. Let me tell you, that shit ain’t easy. You try to instigate Original Sin while dressed as a scaly creature with no arms, no legs, and a forked tongue, and see how far you get.

That's Me in the Corner

See, when I inhabit a body, be it human or snake or tarsir, my powers are limited. That’s not to say I can’t pull any supernatural shit, but the body I inhabit imposes certain physical limits. For example, I made the snake talk, but I didn’t make the snake fly. If I had, you would’ve heard about it, because it would have been extremely awesome, and the guys who wrote Genesis would not have wanted to leave it out.

Mighty Satanic Tarsir

This, I think, raises the question: Why did I bother with the snake suit? It’s a good question. It’s not as if I really had to worry about Eve, you know? I mean, think about it for a second: Eve had an extended conversation about whether to eat an apple from the tree of knowledge with a fucking snake. I could have appeared as a flaming Emu for all the difference it would have made to that dumb yatch.

Proposal for the Simplification of the English Language

Administrator — Thu, 07 May 2009 13:34:38 +0000

I have a proposal, and it is this: Let us do away with words and phrases like stupid, moronic, retarded, idiotic, dumb as a post, waste of flesh, slow as a grandma, fucking idiot (actually, let’s save that one), and asshat (I kind of like that one too). As I see it, every one of these could be replaced with the word “human,” thereby reducing the complexity of the English language by, say, an order of magnitude. After all, there really isn’t any need for these words, is there? What does “fucking moron” tell you about an individual that the word “human” doesn’t already communicate? I believe, if you look the word “human” up in the O.E.D. (the unabridged version, of course), you’ll find a definition along the lines of “a fucking annoying, slow-moving tosspot whose head is firmly and permanently ensconced in his or her asshole; one who should be fired from a cannon immediately.” So I think it’s safe to say then that all those other words, while enormously satisfying, are completely superfluous. We should dispense with them at once in favor of the far more simple and all-encompassing “human.”

National Drive Like a Fucking Idiot Day

Administrator — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 19:16:20 +0000

National Drive Like a Fucking Idiot Day 2009

This morning, as I attempted to pilot my 500-hp, V-10, all-wheel-drive Italian “superlegerra” sports car with the all-alcantara interior (being Satan comes, as you might expect, with certain perks) down the interstate, I noticed that one of my fellow drivers seemed to be confused as to which pedal controlled the brakes and which controlled the throttle in her car. She kept slowing, apparently at random. Was she seeing things? Was she high? Her erratic driving seemed extremely dangerous. Fortunately for the other drivers, I was there to intervene. I disabled her brakes altogether to reduce the danger to other drivers and, of course, to prevent further abuse of her braking system.

[UPDATE FOR ALL YOU PANSIES: I have no idea what happened to her! How can I possibly pay attention to every old grandma whose brakes have gone out? She wasn't going that fast anyway...]

Just a few minutes later, I noticed another driver who, immediately after getting onto the freeway, crossed over three lanes of traffic, before settling into the passing lane, even though he was driving below the speed limit. In doing so, he cut off several other drivers, and once he got there, he didn’t pass anybody! In fact, he was the one getting passed. WTF?!? Once again, however, I was there to save the day. I used my Satanic mind beams to explode one of his rear tires, and his car careened into the dividing wall and caught on fire. It was pretty awesome, and the fucker is now burning in Hell, where he belongs.

At that point, I thought my good deeds for the day were done, but was I wrong! There was another fucker. This guy in was in a pickup truck. Normally, I like jerks. They do a lot of my work for me. But I found this particular eunuch (ANOTHER WORD FOR “HE GOTS NO PENIS”) to be irritating. He hadn’t actually done anything yet, but I’m almost certain he would have. So I shot lasers out of my eyes to boil his brains for a bit. (What did you expect? I’m the Lord of the fucking Underworld! OF COURSE I CAN SHOOT LASERS FROM MY EYES!!). I’ve also had heat-seeking missiles installed in my car, so I fired a couple of those to finish the job. It was was bitchin’.

Three good deeds, and I was beat. And I wondered, What in the fuck is going on around here? But then I figured it out–today must be National Drive Like a Fucking Idiot Day! That would explain it. So I’d like to invite you all to get out there today and drive, drive, drive! Get all that dumbfuckery out of your systems TODAY. NDLAFID ends at 12:00 Pacific Time. After that, it’s Satanic laser beam eyes for anybody caught driving like a fucking idiot.

So, How Was Your Holiday?

Administrator — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 14:52:27 +0000

I have never understood why people like to spend so much time filling space with their mouths, talking about the weather, asking about stuff they don’t care about, or just regurgitating bits of uninteresting trivia. Elevator small talk is the worst, because you can’t just walk away. Because I know you all find small talk as tedious as I do, I’ve come up with a list of handy responses that you can use if you’re accosted by some dumbass with a bad case of verbal diarrhea:

Small Talk: A Deadly Sin?

Example 1:
Stupid Small Talk: “How was your holiday?”
Response: “I killed a nun, fuck you very much.”

Example 2:
Stupid Small Talk: “Can you believe this weather? Sure is cold today! My hands are freezing!”
Response: “Yeah! I know! And the best way to warm up is with body heat. Want to put your hands in my butt crack?”

Example 3:
Stupid Small Talk: “Hey, did you see the news last night? They finally caught that serial killer.”
Response: “He’s not a serial killer. He’s my dad.”

Example 4:
Stupid Small Talk: “What did you do over the weekend?”
Response: “Oh, I got arrested for trafficking in child pornography. Sucked. I totally maxed out my credit cards making bail.”

Example 5:
Stupid Small Talk: “It’s hump day!”
Response: “Really? Um, okay. Take off your pants, I guess.”