Archive for the ‘Sex Hat’ Category

WWSD? Novel Available!

Wednesday, September 28th, 2011

What Would Satan Do? is now available:

Note: Barnes & Noble isn’t selling the paperback yet. If you want that, use one of the other links. Also, if you want a signed copy, buy “Direct from WWSD?” and add a note at check out. The paperback is $9.50 at Amazon, $10.00 direct. The E-book is $.99.

Another Note: WWSD? is available to Kindle owners in the Amazon lending library. From what I understand, that means you can borrow it for free if you have a Kindle.

Last Note, I Promise: Lots of folks are stealing the book by torrenting it, which means if you really want a free copy, you can probably find it. Mu Torrent is a pretty good torrent client, if you’re into that sort of thing. This bums me out slightly, since I spent a couple of years working on this book, but it’s just how things go, I guess. If you go that route, I’d just ask that, if you like the book, you tell your friends about it.

WWSD by Anthony Miller

If you want to read a sample first, you can download a PDF of the first 50 pages here.

Synopsis of What Would Satan Do?

Disgusted with God’s plan for Judgment Day, Satan has quit his job and abandoned Hell in favor of a quiet retirement in Washington, D.C. But life on Earth is tricky for an ex-angel with a short fuse and no impulse control. When a parking attendant mysteriously bursts into flames and a weight-challenged woman somehow ends up in low-Earth orbit, Satan finds that he has attracted the attention of several meddlesome federal agencies. Even worse, there are signs that the governor of Texas has somehow gone ahead and started up the end of the world without him.

The Prince of Darkness heads for the Lone Star State, where he tangles with a megalomaniacal televangelist, joins the Militant Arm of the American Geriatrics Association, and wields the Flaming Shotgun of Divine Justice at a guy whose hobbies include invading churches to denounce ritualized cannibalism. Through it all, one thing is clear: Someone has to put a stop to Judgment Day. Now, having spent millennia trying to wreck the place, the Devil may be the world’s only hope.

Posted in Dios Mio, Donkey Cruelty, Sex Hat | 2 Comments »

8-Ball Update – Top 10 Stupid Questions Asked by Readers

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

So, I get a lot of questions. Stupid questions. People ask all sorts of things, from the best way to incinerate neighbors to which farm animals are the most romantic. And I don’t have time to answer all that shit. That’s why I created the Satanic 8-Ball. It’s just a computer program, and it’s not that smart, but it does a decent enough job.

The reason I’m bringing it up again is that people have actually been using it. And by “using it,” I mean, “asking it extraordinarily stupid questions.” (It records every question anyone ever asks.) I went through and picked some of my favorites, and here they are, for your reading pleasure (I’m not making these up. These are real questions that visitors to the site have asked.):

10. “Will I get laid tonight?”
This isn’t a very interesting question, but it gets asked incredibly often, so I think it’s appropriate to include it on the list. And the answer? Well, if you’re going onto a website to ask Satan whether you’re going to get some, you’re an idiot, and you’re never going to get any ever. Sorry. PS – You make my ass twitch.

9. “What do cats taste like?”
Good question. Depends on the cat, but, for the most part, pretty yummy.

8. “Am I gay?”
Well, I can’t speak to your sexual orientation, but yes.

7. “Do you want my soul?”
Not really, but thanks.

[NOTE: There were several other, much more explicit questions from this particular person. For the record, I have a strict, no-sodomy policy when it comes to readers.]

6. “How do i do spells of words, like Hokkus Pokkus Pi ??”
Hmmm… tricky. Maybe you should focus first on mastering the art of not being a giant fucking idiot. Dunno. Just a thought.

5. “Dear Satan, If I pray to you, would you answer?”
No. Use the Satanic 8-Ball instead.

4. “Dear Satan, I want to marry you, what should I do?”
Fuck off, that’s what. Unless you’re Scarlett Johannson, I’m not interested.

Yum Yum

Yum Yum

3. “Should i blow dry my hair now?”
WTF? No. You’re an idiot, and you shouldn’t be handling anything electrical.

2. “Will Allah give it to me?”
Yes, my son, Allah will give it to you. Right up the poop chute. Now, I’m going to go check on my Jihad Insurance.

1. “I am janitor.”
Right on, brother. Right on.

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Posted in Boutros Boutros, Dear Satan, Public Service Announcement, Sex Hat | No Comments »