OK folks, I’m here to clear some stuff up. You can thank me later.
You have, no doubt, heard of the doctrine of transubstantiation. If you haven’t heard of that, you’ve at least heard of cannibalism. That’s right, God wants you all to be cannibals. That’s what Jesus was talking about at the Last Supper when he said “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me,” and “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.” (see 11 Corinthians 24-25). If you have any doubt about what I’m saying here, you just have to look to the official statements of the Catholic church from the Thirteenth Session of the Counsel of Trent in 1552:
CANON II. If any one saith, that, in the sacred and holy sacrament of the Eucharist, the substance of the bread and wine remains conjointly with the body and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ, and denieth that wonderful and singular conversion of the whole substance of the bread into the Body, and of the whole substance of the wine into the Blood-the species Only of the bread and wine remaining-which conversion indeed the Catholic Church most aptly calls Transubstantiation; let him be anathema.
CANON VIII. lf any one saith, that Christ, given in the Eucharist, is eaten spiritually only, and not also sacramentally and really; let him be anathema.
There it is. The eucharist, the fundamental sacrament at the heart of the Christian church, is a cannibalistic ritual.
So what does that have to do with the disappearance of Jesus’ body at the end of the Gospels (see, e.g., Luke 24:3 (”And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.”))? Well, isn’t it obvious? It’s not? OK, I’ll tell you.
As you know, after Jesus died, they took him down and stuck his body in a tomb. What you didn’t know was that later that night, in a fit of apostolic fervor, some of the disciples snuck into the tomb and, taking the “this is my body” tripe too literally, went to town. That’s right–they ate him, the dirty cannibals. Later, when Luke et al. wrote the Gospels, they invented the whole we-found-the-tomb-empty bit to cover up the cannibalistic nastiness. Here’s the original ending:
Luke 24:
The next morning, a white-robbed Jesus appeared to the sated, slumbering cannibals and said unto them:
“You sick fucks! You ate me!”
“Sweet! You’re alive again! Sorry we ate you.”
“You guys are so not going to be a part of the church anymore. I’m totally handing the reigns over to a guy named Saul of Tarsus for this.”
“Oooh… Bummer.”
The angry Jesus fried the cannibals with bolts of electricity from his finger tips, and ascended into Heaven.
And that’s what really happened.
