But this raises, I think, another interesting question: If these people are so fucking worried about one Jesus wafer escaping into the wild, why aren’t they worried about all of the little bits of Jesus that get digested and pooped out all over the world? Why aren’t there angry old Catholic ladies down at the water treatment plant right now trying to reclaim the holy host? Seems a bit inconsistent to me. I mean, if you can turn a fucking cracker into God in the first place, then surely a little bit of mastication and digestion isn’t going to undo that? I’ve tried to find some official statement of the church on this, but haven’t been able to.

• Amazon
• Direct from WWSD?

Note: Barnes & Noble isn’t selling the paperback yet. If you want that, use one of the other links. Also, if you want a signed copy, buy “Direct from WWSD?” and add a note at check out. The paperback is $9.50 at Amazon, $10.00 direct. The E-book is $.99.

Another Note: WWSD? is available to Kindle owners in the Amazon lending library. From what I understand, that means you can borrow it for free if you have a Kindle.

Last Note, I Promise: Lots of folks are stealing the book by torrenting it, which means if you really want a free copy, you can probably find it. Mu Torrent is a pretty good torrent client, if you’re into that sort of thing. This bums me out slightly, since I spent a couple of years working on this book, but it’s just how things go, I guess. If you go that route, I’d just ask that, if you like the book, you tell your friends about it.

If you want to read a sample first, you can download a PDF of the first 50 pages here.

Synopsis of What Would Satan Do?

Disgusted with God’s plan for Judgment Day, Satan has quit his job and abandoned Hell in favor of a quiet retirement in Washington, D.C. But life on Earth is tricky for an ex-angel with a short fuse and no impulse control. When a parking attendant mysteriously bursts into flames and a weight-challenged woman somehow ends up in low-Earth orbit, Satan finds that he has attracted the attention of several meddlesome federal agencies. Even worse, there are signs that the governor of Texas has somehow gone ahead and started up the end of the world without him.

The Prince of Darkness heads for the Lone Star State, where he tangles with a megalomaniacal televangelist, joins the Militant Arm of the American Geriatrics Association, and wields the Flaming Shotgun of Divine Justice at a guy whose hobbies include invading churches to denounce ritualized cannibalism. Through it all, one thing is clear: Someone has to put a stop to Judgment Day. Now, having spent millennia trying to wreck the place, the Devil may be the world’s only hope.

Make a boatload of money. Pay your taxes. Lots of taxes. Hire people. Train people. Pay people. Spend money on rent, equipment, services. Pay more taxes.

When you make a shitload of money. Do something positive with it. If you are smart enough to make it, you will be smart enough to know where to put it to work.

I don’t care what anyone says. Being rich is a good thing. Not just in the obvious sense of benefiting you and your family, but in the broader sense. Profits are not a zero sum game. The more you make the more of a financial impact you can have.

I’m not against government involvement in times of need. I am for recognizing that big public companies will continue to cut jobs in an effort to prop up stock prices, which in turn stimulates the need for more government involvement. Every cut job by the big companies extracts a cost on the American people in one way or another.

Entrepreneurs are needed to create and grow companies to absorb those people in new jobs. If entrepreneurs don’t create those jobs, the government ends up having to spend more money to help them one way or another.

So be Patriotic. Go out there and get rich. Get so obnoxiously rich that when that tax bill comes , your first thought will be to choke on how big a check you have to write. Your 2nd thought will be “what a great problem to have”, and your 3rd should be a recognition that in paying your taxes you are helping to support millions of Americans that are not as fortunate as you.

In these times of “The Great Recession” we shouldn’t be trying to shift the benefits of wealth behind some curtain. We should be celebrating and encouraging people to make as much money as they can. Profits equal tax money. While some people might find it distasteful to pay taxes. I don’t. I find it Patriotic.

I’m not saying that the government’s use of tax money is the most efficient use of our hard-earned capital. It obviously is not. In a perfect world, there would be a better option. We don’t live in a perfect world. We don’t live in a perfect time. We live in a time where the government plays a big role in an effort to help lead us out this Great Recession. That’s reality.

So I will repeat my point. Get out there and make a boatload of money. Enjoy the shit out your money. Pay your taxes.

It’s the most Patriotic thing you can do.

The reason I’m bringing it up again is that people have actually been using it. And by “using it,” I mean, “asking it extraordinarily stupid questions.” (It records every question anyone ever asks.) I went through and picked some of my favorites, and here they are, for your reading pleasure (I’m not making these up. These are real questions that visitors to the site have asked.):

10. “Will I get laid tonight?”
This isn’t a very interesting question, but it gets asked incredibly often, so I think it’s appropriate to include it on the list. And the answer? Well, if you’re going onto a website to ask Satan whether you’re going to get some, you’re an idiot, and you’re never going to get any ever. Sorry. PS – You make my ass twitch.

9. “What do cats taste like?”
Good question. Depends on the cat, but, for the most part, pretty yummy.

8. “Am I gay?”
Well, I can’t speak to your sexual orientation, but yes.

7. “Do you want my soul?”
Not really, but thanks.

[NOTE: There were several other, much more explicit questions from this particular person. For the record, I have a strict, no-sodomy policy when it comes to readers.]

6. “How do i do spells of words, like Hokkus Pokkus Pi ??”
Hmmm… tricky. Maybe you should focus first on mastering the art of not being a giant fucking idiot. Dunno. Just a thought.

5. “Dear Satan, If I pray to you, would you answer?”
No. Use the Satanic 8-Ball instead.

4. “Dear Satan, I want to marry you, what should I do?”
Fuck off, that’s what. Unless you’re Scarlett Johannson, I’m not interested.

Yum Yum

3. “Should i blow dry my hair now?”
WTF? No. You’re an idiot, and you shouldn’t be handling anything electrical.

2. “Will Allah give it to me?”
Yes, my son, Allah will give it to you. Right up the poop chute. Now, I’m going to go check on my Jihad Insurance.

1. “I am janitor.”
Right on, brother. Right on.

The pinnacle of this sort of thinking – i.e., the notion that it is appropriate (in the very strong sense) to own and wear clothes only for certain leisure activities — is the smoking jacket (think Hugh Hefner).

I HEREBY PROPOSE a return to the days of smoking jackets, tennis shoes, and other task-appropriate garments. I know, that’s not a long list, so I’ve come up with some new ones:

1. Pancake Pants:

“I’m sorry, my dear, but I cannot possibly go to IHOP without my pancake pants.”

2. Twitter Leotard:

This one just seems kind of self-explanatory.

3. Sex Hat

“All civilized people know that one does not engage in coitus without proper headgear.”

1. Driving Like Grandma – I’ve composed a poem to help me explain this one:
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
you’re driving too slow,
AND YOU SHOULD GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY RIGHT NOW MOTHERFUCKER! DIE! DIE! DIE!!

2. Being a Jonas Brother – I can’t believe how gay these guys are. And I don’t mean that in the sense that these guys like to get it on with each other after their shows (though I’m not willing to rule that out). What I’m talking about is their wankerish willingness to do whatever it takes to make their legions of teeniebopper fans squeal, whether it’s an dorkariffic fist pump, a fantastically-gay hair flip, or a wink into the camera that makes me want light an entire city on fire (yes, I watched the Grammys this year). It almost seems reasonable though, doesn’t it? After all, they’re just a bunch of young guys. Can we really expect that, faced with the prospect of making millions of dollars, and zillions of screaming fans of the opposite sex who want to tear their clothes off, they’ll really say “No, I will not act like a complete boner?” Well, no, we probably can’t expect that. But then can they really expect to act like they do and not end up in Hell? Nope, sorry. So there you go. Being a Jonas Brother is a deadly sin.

3. Liking Mayonaise – Apparently there is an all-mayonnaise restaurant in Japan. That’s just fucked up and disgusting. They’re all going to Hell, just as soon as I can figure out how to transport the whole fucked up, mayonnaise-drenched archipelago down there. The sick bastards.

Mayonnaise = SUCK

4. Not Being a Ninja – Yeah, I know I’m being a little hypocritical here, given what I had to say about the overbreadth of some of the stupid new deadly sins announced by the Vatican, but you gotta admit, ninjas are awesome.

Ninjas = AWESOME

Not being a ninja is only a sin if you’re a devout Catholic. I just want folks to have to go into the confessional and say, “Forgive me father for I have sinned: I am not a ninja.”

There are more, but I have to go conduct some experiments on some grandmas.

Woot.

That’s right, I’ve decided to become a world-dominating, mega-author. And I’m going to write a super-kick-ass-number-one novel, bitches.

But I’ve got a problem: I need an awesome first line. They’re crucial. Without a truly awesome first line, you might as well not have a story. (I know I’m not going to bother writing a whole story until I’m certain that the first line is totally, mind-bogglingly kick ass.) But how do you come up with a great first line without knowing the story? Ugh.

I know, right?! It’s just like Bill and Ted with their Triumphant Video/Eddie Van Halen CATCH-22 situation!

So you’re maybe thinking, “Uh, Satan? That doesn’t have anything to do with what you’re talking about.” And in response, I’m maybe thinking, “Fuck you.” And I still need an awesome first line.

But I’ve come up with a plan: I’ll come up with some first-line candidates that I think demonstrate my staggering authorial genius, and you all can vote on them.

So here it is — a poll (and not just any poll, mind you, but a SUPRE POLL, spelled all cool and European).

SUPRE POLL

• Uno: “We really shouldn’t have brought the tiger. We knew better. Man-eating jungle cats are never a good idea, and they’ve got no business being at weddings.“
• Dos: “Lester had always known that his extra leg would come in handy. But not like this.“
• Y Pues, Tres: “In the beginning, there was only Vienna Sausage. No light, no dark — only little, wet sausages.“

PS – I’m not savvy enough to know how to make an actual poll that actually fucking works or anything for actual fuck’s sake (and probably some asstastic foreign spammers would show up and somehow advertise penis pills on it anyway), so you’re just going to have to send in your votes via mind beams.

The moment when the donkey launches off the beach is fantastic:

Resistance Is Futile

Yes, I am the embodiment of evil and sin and all that, but Dick Cheney… he’s something else entirely. Which is why I can’t afford to have him in Hell. It’s called JOB SECURITY, folks. Any of you who’ve read Machiavelli’s The Prince will know what I’m talking about here–I’d be a moron to let a potential claimant to my throne show up and try to take over. It’s as simple as that. So you can all stop worrying and fretting every time he has one of those heart attacks. He’s not going to croak. I won’t let it happen. No fucking way. In fact, I’ll let you in on a secret: Dick and I have come to an arrangement. I’m not going to tell you exactly what the deal is (he’s immortal!) or how it was accomplished (we used Borg implants to make him into a cyborg), but suffice it to say, I no longer have to worry about him showing up in Hell one of these days, trying to take over as the new Satan. Fuck. Yeah.

The down side of this arrangement is that you all are stuck with him. And for that, I am truly sorry.

Here are some words that are so awesome, playing them automatically means you win:

BOUFFANCY – Noun form of bouffant.
PANEITY – The state of being bread.
VULVA – Any time you can play vulva, you must.
ZYZZYVA – A weevil.
POGONOTROPHY – The cultivation of facial hair.
FUGACIOUS – Lasting a short time; your boyfriend in bed.
LUBITORIUM – A place where you can … get something lubed.

It's Getting Hot in Here.

If 120 years of CO2 is causing that little blip (down there on the right, way down at the end), then what the hell happened 1000 years ago? Or when the Roman empire was at its peak? And holy crap they must have been burning the ever-living-shit out of some green house gases back in 1700 BC. Probably the fucking Spartans, I bet.

Pave the World