1. Driving Like Grandma – I’ve composed a poem to help me explain this one:
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
you’re driving too slow,
AND YOU SHOULD GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY RIGHT NOW MOTHERFUCKER! DIE! DIE! DIE!!

2. Being a Jonas Brother – I can’t believe how gay these guys are. And I don’t mean that in the sense that these guys like to get it on with each other after their shows (though I’m not willing to rule that out). What I’m talking about is their wankerish willingness to do whatever it takes to make their legions of teeniebopper fans squeal, whether it’s an dorkariffic fist pump, a fantastically-gay hair flip, or a wink into the camera that makes me want light an entire city on fire (yes, I watched the Grammys this year). It almost seems reasonable though, doesn’t it? After all, they’re just a bunch of young guys. Can we really expect that, faced with the prospect of making millions of dollars, and zillions of screaming fans of the opposite sex who want to tear their clothes off, they’ll really say “No, I will not act like a complete boner?” Well, no, we probably can’t expect that. But then can they really expect to act like they do and not end up in Hell? Nope, sorry. So there you go. Being a Jonas Brother is a deadly sin.

3. Liking Mayonaise – Apparently there is an all-mayonnaise restaurant in Japan. That’s just fucked up and disgusting. They’re all going to Hell, just as soon as I can figure out how to transport the whole fucked up, mayonnaise-drenched archipelago down there. The sick bastards.

Mayonnaise = SUCK

4. Not Being a Ninja – Yeah, I know I’m being a little hypocritical here, given what I had to say about the overbreadth of some of the stupid new deadly sins announced by the Vatican, but you gotta admit, ninjas are awesome.

Ninjas = AWESOME

Not being a ninja is only a sin if you’re a devout Catholic. I just want folks to have to go into the confessional and say, “Forgive me father for I have sinned: I am not a ninja.”

There are more, but I have to go conduct some experiments on some grandmas.

Yee ha.

Here’s what I’m driving.

Double Yowza

Why, you ask, does Satan need to drive? Well, for one thing, flying is not an option. Getting a plane ticket would be, I think, a bit of a chore.

“Hi, I’m Satan, I’d like one ticket to Texas, please.”

And airport security? Well, fuck that too, OK?

Second, did you see my car? If you did, and you’re still wondering why I’m driving, then being you is another deadly sin (see Deadly Sins post). Please go straight to Hell.

I’m off.

8. genetic modification – Hello? Genetic modification rocks! Who hasn’t thought about how awesome it would be to have an extra arm or wings or a second head? I don’t think this is a sin, let alone a “deadly” sin.

9. human experimentation This is totally arguable. It depends on what kind of experiment you’re running, and who you’re running it on, and what’s at stake. For example, we might want to use Senator Larry Craig, Bernie Madoff, or Eliot Spitzer to help us determine which was the most effective torture method in Elizabethan England. I think it would be totally acceptable to take some grandma off the freeway and throw her at an electrical fence to see if it’s working. Why should either of those count as a deadly sin?

10. polluting the environment - Technically, farting is polluting the environment. Need I say more?

11. social injustice - Were they running out of ideas already by the time they got to number 4? What the fuck does that even mean anyway? That’s not a deadly sin; it’s a nightmare final examination: Question 1: Define “social injustice” in 500 words or less. Be specific. Get real you wankers.

12. causing poverty This strikes me as being kind of vague; a little bit open to interpretation. Technically, by passing around a collection plate every Sunday, the Church is probably causing, oh I don’t know, just a little bit of poverty here and there.

13. financial gluttony Having been to the Vatican once or twice, this one strikes me as a bit … I don’t know … rich.

14. taking or selling drugs Seriously? Do you mean every pharmacist; every store that has ever sold Tylenol has committed a deadly sin. Pretty much everyone in the Western world is going to Hell now, on account of having treated a headache? Bummer. Or do you think those wankers meant something more specific than just “drugs”? Fucking idiots.

So those blow. I think I might have to come up with some replacements.