Dear Satan:
My pastor says that we’re supposed “love our neighbors,” but lately I’ve been having a lot of trouble with that. It seems like everywhere I go, people are rude and awful. It just makes me feel so bad I want to cry!
–Struggling with Brotherly Love
It’s true that the Bible says “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Galatians 5:14) But what the Bible doesn’t say is that your neighbors are evil robots programmed to punish you and make your life shitty. So you’re perfectly justified in hating them.
I’m sure you’ve heard somebody, somewhere say, “Oh, I’ve died and gone, and gone to Heaven.” Next time you hear that, slap that fucker and tell him the truth, which is that:
You’ve been dead and living and Hell for quite some time, only you’re too stupid to realize it.
The people around you, all of those gigantic asshats?
They’re really just robots. Robots programmed by God to punish you for your sins.
I think you must have been really, really bad.
Here’s proof: The The Lake Woboegon Effect is the tendency of stupid humans to think they’re not stupid. This one time, at band camp, there was a survey of drivers, and pretty much all the drivers thought they were good or even great drivers (even though at least half had to be below average). The survey guys and psychologists had a good, smug laugh and patted themselves on the back and said, “Ahh… Human nature… ha ha ha!”
I hate them.
They were totally wrong. The Lake Wobegon effect has nothing to do with human nature. No, 80% of drivers don’t really think they fall into the top 10% in terms of driving skill. Eighty percent of drivers don’t exist. They’re robots, programmed to respond that way when polled; programmed to make your life a living hell by driving crappy and lying about it when asked.
And your pastor tells you to love your neighbor? Well, he’s a robot too, isn’t he? And he’s telling you to love a bunch of evil robots who are only there to make your life miserable. What kind of sick fuck is he? Next time you see him, I recommend that you punch him in the eye. And then you can get on with hating your evil neighbor-robots like you’re supposed to.
