I have never understood why people like to spend so much time filling space with their mouths, talking about the weather, asking about stuff they don’t care about, or just regurgitating bits of uninteresting trivia. Elevator small talk is the worst, because you can’t just walk away. Because I know you all find small talk as tedious as I do, I’ve come up with a list of handy responses that you can use if you’re accosted by some dumbass with a bad case of verbal diarrhea:

Small Talk: A Deadly Sin?

Example 1:
Stupid Small Talk: “How was your holiday?”
Response: “I killed a nun, fuck you very much.”

Example 2:
Stupid Small Talk: “Can you believe this weather? Sure is cold today! My hands are freezing!”
Response: “Yeah! I know! And the best way to warm up is with body heat. Want to put your hands in my butt crack?”

Example 3:
Stupid Small Talk: “Hey, did you see the news last night? They finally caught that serial killer.”
Response: “He’s not a serial killer. He’s my dad.”

Example 4:
Stupid Small Talk: “What did you do over the weekend?”
Response: “Oh, I got arrested for trafficking in child pornography. Sucked. I totally maxed out my credit cards making bail.”

Example 5:
Stupid Small Talk: “It’s hump day!”
Response: “Really? Um, okay. Take off your pants, I guess.”