Dear Satan:

I’ve spent all my life in a small town, and now I’m thinking about moving to the big city, but I’m kind of nervous about the idea of being around so many people and people being rude and all that. What should I do?

Thanks,

Nervous

Dear Fuckingidiot:

Let me begin by saying this: YOU ARE STUPID AND I HATE YOU.

Now, having got that out of the way: I assume that you’re nervous because you’ve heard that the big city can be a hard, scary place, where people will be rude and cruel to you. Well, your anxiety is justified. People in cities suck. People everywhere suck. Even Mother Teresa sucked. It has nothing to do with the size of the city they live in. It only seems that way because there are more people in cities — more assholes in smaller, more confined spaces, so that you get a higher concentration of the inherently-flawed, me-first spirit of humanity.

Since I’ve come here, I’ve seen a bunch of films in which one character or the other says something about there being a little bit of God in each of you. I say: BULLSHIT. In fact, that’s only half the story — less than half, really. Yes, each of you has a spark of the divine. But it’s a really tiny spark. Minuscule even. And you actually have a much greater concentration of evil. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because good is dumb — who really cares? The sooner you accept this fact, the better off you’ll be. (And by “better,” I don’t mean “happier.” In fact, you’re much more likely to become a terrorist or serial killer or something.)

Viva La Revolucion

One of the movies I saw recently was called “Pay It Forward.” (Here’s the movie review part: This movie sucked. It’s as if the director just smeared excrement on several meters of celluloid and slapped a title on it.) I didn’t actually see the whole thing — I was too busy vomiting to finish — but I got the gist of it, which was that, if you ignore your fundamentally human impulse to be a gargantuan cock to anyone and everyone in your path; if you do the unexpected and are, God forbid, nice to someone, that person will think, “Huh, that was weird! Maybe I should be nice too,” resulting in a reverse cascade of niceness and a new, prettier and shinier utopia of peace, low inflation, and renewable energy. More likely, however, is that the recipient of your niceness will think, “What the fuck? What a dipshit!” And then he’ll probably cut you off, spit in your face, steal your money, call your grandmother a whore, and run you over.

So I hope everyone tries to pay it forward. In fact, I challenge you to try to pay it forward for, let’s say, 48 hours. Go to the city and fucking PAY IT FORWARD. See how long you can do it. See if you don’t emerge from the experiment an angrier, more mistrustful, and more hateful person. I submit that, if you all tried to pay it forward, we’d really see things go down the shitter. In fact, I’m reminded of a song: Let’s Have a War! by the band Fear:

There’s so many of us
There’s so many of us
There’s so many
There’s so many of us
There’s so many of us
There’s so many
There’s so many of us
There’s so many of us
There’s so many
There’s so many of us
There’s so many of us
There’s so many

Let’s have a war
So you can go and die!
Let’s have a war!
We could all use the money!
Let’s have a war!
We need the space!
Let’s have a war!
Clean out this place!

So that’s my advice for what you should do: (1) Quit being such a fucking pansy. (2) Move to the city. (3) Pay it forward. (4) Tell all your friends to do the same. (5) See what happens next.