1. Driving Like Grandma – I’ve composed a poem to help me explain this one:
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
you’re driving too slow,
AND YOU SHOULD GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY RIGHT NOW MOTHERFUCKER! DIE! DIE! DIE!!

2. Being a Jonas Brother – I can’t believe how gay these guys are. And I don’t mean that in the sense that these guys like to get it on with each other after their shows (though I’m not willing to rule that out). What I’m talking about is their wankerish willingness to do whatever it takes to make their legions of teeniebopper fans squeal, whether it’s an dorkariffic fist pump, a fantastically-gay hair flip, or a wink into the camera that makes me want light an entire city on fire (yes, I watched the Grammys this year). It almost seems reasonable though, doesn’t it? After all, they’re just a bunch of young guys. Can we really expect that, faced with the prospect of making millions of dollars, and zillions of screaming fans of the opposite sex who want to tear their clothes off, they’ll really say “No, I will not act like a complete boner?” Well, no, we probably can’t expect that. But then can they really expect to act like they do and not end up in Hell? Nope, sorry. So there you go. Being a Jonas Brother is a deadly sin.

3. Liking Mayonaise – Apparently there is an all-mayonnaise restaurant in Japan. That’s just fucked up and disgusting. They’re all going to Hell, just as soon as I can figure out how to transport the whole fucked up, mayonnaise-drenched archipelago down there. The sick bastards.

Mayonnaise = SUCK

4. Not Being a Ninja – Yeah, I know I’m being a little hypocritical here, given what I had to say about the overbreadth of some of the stupid new deadly sins announced by the Vatican, but you gotta admit, ninjas are awesome.

Ninjas = AWESOME

Not being a ninja is only a sin if you’re a devout Catholic. I just want folks to have to go into the confessional and say, “Forgive me father for I have sinned: I am not a ninja.”

There are more, but I have to go conduct some experiments on some grandmas.

Woot.

That’s right, I’ve decided to become a world-dominating, mega-author. And I’m going to write a super-kick-ass-number-one novel, bitches.

But I’ve got a problem: I need an awesome first line. They’re crucial. Without a truly awesome first line, you might as well not have a story. (I know I’m not going to bother writing a whole story until I’m certain that the first line is totally, mind-bogglingly kick ass.) But how do you come up with a great first line without knowing the story? Ugh.

I know, right?! It’s just like Bill and Ted with their Triumphant Video/Eddie Van Halen CATCH-22 situation!

So you’re maybe thinking, “Uh, Satan? That doesn’t have anything to do with what you’re talking about.” And in response, I’m maybe thinking, “Fuck you.” And I still need an awesome first line.

But I’ve come up with a plan: I’ll come up with some first-line candidates that I think demonstrate my staggering authorial genius, and you all can vote on them.

So here it is — a poll (and not just any poll, mind you, but a SUPRE POLL, spelled all cool and European).

SUPRE POLL

• Uno: “We really shouldn’t have brought the tiger. We knew better. Man-eating jungle cats are never a good idea, and they’ve got no business being at weddings.“
• Dos: “Lester had always known that his extra leg would come in handy. But not like this.“
• Y Pues, Tres: “In the beginning, there was only Vienna Sausage. No light, no dark — only little, wet sausages.“

PS – I’m not savvy enough to know how to make an actual poll that actually fucking works or anything for actual fuck’s sake (and probably some asstastic foreign spammers would show up and somehow advertise penis pills on it anyway), so you’re just going to have to send in your votes via mind beams.

Here are some words that are so awesome, playing them automatically means you win:

BOUFFANCY – Noun form of bouffant.
PANEITY – The state of being bread.
VULVA – Any time you can play vulva, you must.
ZYZZYVA – A weevil.
POGONOTROPHY – The cultivation of facial hair.
FUGACIOUS – Lasting a short time; your boyfriend in bed.
LUBITORIUM – A place where you can … get something lubed.